A PLACE TO CALL HOME?
20 May 2007

Today I was told that I think too much for my own good. And it was my own mother who told me, so there must be some kind of truth to the statement, bless her. This makes me wonder:

1. Is is wrong to think 'too much' at some points in your life?
2. Why do I think 'too much'?
3. Can thinking 'too much' have positive effects in the long run?

Yes, maybe I think much at this point of my life. What else are you supposed to do when your relationship of 3 years which you though would last forever, just has finished and you also just finished a job in a country and city (Brussels) which you have a love-hate relationship to?

Just pretend nothing has happened? Don't think so.

I am a positive person who tries to see the good aspect in everything, but I still have to confront existential and difficult questions: I guess I can't do anything against the fact that I am no longer in the relationship I used to be. The only thing I can do is to look forward and enjoy being single for a while. But being single is notoriously different to living in a relationship. As single, you only need to think about yourself, cook for yourself and plan your own days, especially weekends. The positive sides are that you have much more time for all those things you didn't have time to do in a relationship: like writing this, see girlfriends more often, go on innocent dates on Saturdays and go to bed early. Other positive aspects are that you have power over your own time and you feel empowered to do things you have not dared to do alone before - just because you have to as noone will do them for you, or with you.

Now, the tricky question for me is not how to be single. The 1 million Dollar question is to decide where I want ot live and of course, as with being in a relationship, there are disadvantages and advantages attached to every alternative! I know some people might think choice is a luxury problem. To some extent I agree, but since everyting is relative in this world this is NOT a luxury problem to me: it's not like choosing between a pair of Gucci or Ray Ban sunglasses (although I would choose the former), this is about making a choice between totally different lifestyles and to put it bluntly, lives.

My current alternatives are:

1. Stay in Brussels

+sides are: Having an interesting, stimulating and wellpaid job. Get my own cozy flat, be an 'international' and be exposed to very interesting lives and discussions, and get some really good professional experience in a very multicultural city. Some call it Europe's Capital.

-sides are: Being away from my family even longer, feeling detached from the sense of local community as Brussels is a transitory, temporary kind of place where you are bitterly aware that almost everyone you get to know will, eventually, move and your sphere of friends will be dissolved - and you will need to start over again in the next place. In that future new place most of the people your age will already have created their stable circle of friends. The older you get, the more difficult it gets to make good friends. People get busier with careers and children.

2. Go back to Sweden

+sides are: Being closer to my family and being able to see them for dinners on the weekends and, crucially, feeling part of something 'bigger'. I would also like to find out how it is to live in my own country as an adult.

-sides are: It seems more difficult to get a good job=opportunities lost? But the scariest thing to me is probably the insularity and relative homogenity of Sweden.

3. Do something very different for a while

+sides are: refreshing, learning something new and 'out of the box', getting a larger perspecive. When will you have this much time on your hands again in the future, if ever?

-sides are: Escapism? (Well, that is not necessarily bad!) Expensive? (Does not necessarily need to be expensive!) Delaying an important decision? (Well, what is a year, or so, in the bigger picture?) Making it more difficult to get back to the job-market? (Possibly)

Conclusions: Ok, I maybe think 'too much' but this is the result of having lived that last 10 years conciously making important decisions every year: I have become a very 'aware' person, carefully evaluating choices: and this is also the reason why I can say that I have had a very interesting life since I was 17. If I would have stayed at home I may have had stability, but I would also be a more narrow-minded person today.

My final conclusion is that it will take a while to find that place I can call MY home, but it will come. Maybe a bit later than sooner.